Who Ya Gonna Call?
June 20, 2023
It takes a village to raise a baby and support is key.
Breastfeeding can be extremely challenging and many people have never been around breastfeeding let alone babies.
New parents are often isolated not living near family and close friends. Because of this, the virtual world can be a welcome substitute, especially in the wee hours of the night.
When breastfeeding is not working the way you imagine it should it is easy to turn to your virtual village. The problem is that breastfeeding is a unique experience to each baby and their parent. There is no one size fits all way to feed your baby.
New parents are hungry for guidance. In their sleep deprived state they reach out: ”Help! My baby won’t latch.”
“Help! My nipples are bleeding,”
“Help! My milk supply is low,” and on and on.
Aunt Sadie scrolls through her feed and sees your SOS, “Just give that baby a bottle, don’t be a martyr.”
Your neighbor Steve says, “My wife downed the blue Gatorade and she spouted fountains of milk.”
Cousin Alex may offer, “Get a nipple shield, my friend who is thinking about becoming a lactation consultant told me that is works every time.”
These people are there in good spirit. They want to help but you are blasted with a barrage of anecdotes that may help some but do not address your specific situation.
You need a skilled professional to assess you and your baby, take a full history of your birth, your and your baby’s medical histories, and play detective to help you meet your breastfeeding goals. If you are struggling with breastfeeding reach out to an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.
Fernando’s School of Latch Assessment
January 11, 2021
March 29, 2015
“It is better to look good than to feel good.”
Many mothers tell me that their breasts are painful and they want to know why.
“It could be the latch,” I offer.
“No, it is not the latch, the nurse/doctor/lactation consultant/my mother . . . (fill in the blank) said the latch looks great.”
The problem is that the mouth and tongue are complex and the movements are complex and can be effected by various outside factors.
Do you remember Billy Crystal as Fernando? His mantra was:
“Dahling, you look mahvelous! It is better to look good than to feel good and, Dahling, you look mahvelous!”
I believe that many health care professionals were trained to assess latch at Fernando’s Hideaway.
The latch is NOT marvelous if the mom is in pain. It is NOT marvelous if her nipples hurt, if the baby is not gaining weight, if the baby cannot maintain the latch for a feeding.
What can cause this poor latch?
There are a number of things that can make the latch un-marvelous. They can include:
- poor positioning
- birth trauma
- tongue-tie
- weak suck
What are the consequences of poor latch?
- breast infection
- low milk supply
- early weaning
- gassiness in baby
- fussy baby
- poor weight gain for baby
- engorgement
What can be done?
Understanding what makes a good latch. When there is a good latch both mom and baby comfortable and the baby moving milk appropriately.
Different remedies can help different challenges.
Positioning the baby close to mom is essential – the closer the baby the deeper the latch
If the baby is tongue-tied, this is where the frenulum that attaches the tongue to the floor of the mouth is too restricted, this small piece of skin can be released by surgical scissors or by laser.
This procedure is quick and can prevent a host of problems both immediately and down the road including poor weight gain, the need for orthodontia, digestive issues, premature weaning to name a few. Often when the tongue-tie is present there is also a thickened frenulum under the upper lip. This, too, should be evaluated.
If there is birth trauma healing can happen by bodywork by a practitioner skilled at working with babies.
This can include a chiropractor, a craniosacral therapist, an osteopath or a physical therapist. These folks are trained to help relieve muscle tension and to release the fascia. With birth trauma there can be misalignment in the babies oral structures. Sometimes the roof of the mouth is highly arched which can make the latch very uncomfortable as the breast tissue can be pressed into this area by the baby’s tongue. If this is the case often the baby feels tension and this makes his sucking more “chompy.”
Releasing the tension can help alleviate this pain and help to reorganize the baby.
If the baby has a weak suck there can also be therapies to help as well as suck training.
If there is a breast infection the mom can continue to nurse but she must be treated.
No matter what it is important to get the baby fed. It is also important to protect the milk supply.
When there is engorgement the mom can hand express, pump and/or nurse the baby.
When needing help with breastfeeding please do not accept that if it looks good then it is good. It should feel good and it should function appropriately.
If someone says “It looks good,” this is time to seek help by someone trained to assess the latch, inside and out.
In most cases that someone is an IBCLC – International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.
Working and Breastfeeding
October 13, 2018
I never met Kerry in person. We had one of those La Leche League Leader/Mom phone relationships. She initially called me with a few basic questions about breastfeeding her newborn. She then reached out to me as she was going to be working full time. She was having trouble pumping enough milk for her baby while she is away. I asked if it was possible to visit her baby during the day. We live in New York City and Kerry’s office was two subway stops away from her office – about a mile away.
Every Monday through Friday Kerry hopped on the train during her lunch break.
She had communicated with her nanny that she was on the way and that she would be nursing her baby.
This worked for Kerry and her baby as she had planned this in advance. Kerry communicated with her employer that she would take her lunch break out of the office. She communicated with her caregiver not to feed the baby a bottle at lunch.
Kerry was able to make up the difference with pumping while at work and at home in between nursing.
Employment outside the home is one of the biggest barriers to breastfeeding in the United States.
Does that mean it is impossible? No.
There are strategies and lifestyle decisions to consider.
What are the obstacles employed moms face?
- Maternity leave duration
- Time to pump
- Quality pumps
- Support from family and caregivers
- Support from employer
- Inconsistent information
- Balancing home and work life
Tina, an attorney, negotiated her maternity leave as well as her pumping schedule while she was pregnant and still working. She noticed that many of her colleagues returned to the grueling hours and were not breastfeeding when they returned to work. Tina laid out a plan for her firm and told them what she needed. This communication helped both her and her employer. They had never had a mom who was breastfeeding once she returned towork. Tina changed the culture of her firm. Some of those moms saw her as a champion and when they had a second baby they too had more success in breastfeeding.
Women are often told they need to sleep train their babies. That she needs to have her baby sleep in a separate room. If a baby sleeps for twelve hours and the mom is gone for nine hours that leaves three hours a day for them to be together. What is a mom to do?
Stacy, a physician, nursed her baby through her residency by keeping her baby in bed with her, despite criticism from her community. She was gone for twelve hours at a time. “How else would I get to know my baby?” she stated in delight.
Unfortunately, in the US standard maternity leave is twelve weeks. Sometimes moms will negotiate for more. Others will spread it out. For example, Lisa, a bookkeeper, returned to work at nine weeks for two days a week. It was early but it gave her an easier transition. She felt this allowed for her to slowly build up to five days a week instead of being home full time and then suddenly being gone all week.
Similarly, some moms who do need to return full time will have their first day back to work on a Thursday (if she works Monday through Friday) making this first “week” away a short one.
I am frequently contacted by moms of older babies of about three or four months of age. Breastfeeding was going well until two or three weeks back to work. Her milk supply is faltering and she cannot keep up.
She is pumping but the baby is flying through her stash.
Sometimes moms nurse and pump while on maternity leave and put themselves into an oversupply. They stockpile great volumes of milk and then when they head back to the office they rely on that stash. Even if they are pumping at work they may not be pumping as much as the baby is consuming. Then suddenly there is no more stash and the mom now has a low milk supply.
Some moms are truly not able to pump at work for various reasons so pumping during maternity leave is essential. For these moms it is important to nurse as much as possible when she and her baby are together. And she can add some pumping sessions in at home between nursing.
Many moms who are able to pump at work can enjoy the maternity leave without having to focus so much on pumping milk. As they transition back to work they can nurse the baby as much as possible when they are together.
To keep up and to reduce the need for more bottles and more pumping a mom can nurse her baby as the last thing she does before they part ways – either at the day care center or with the caregiver. She can then pump first thing when she gets to work to have one pumping session done. Then pump one or two more times during her workday. Then as she reunites with her baby the first thing she does is sit and nurse. This gives her and her baby the opportunity to reconnect and it also gives the opportunity for the mom and the caregiver to communicate. On days off the mom can focus on nursing her baby as much as possible.
Another challenge is the marketing of the faster bottles for older babies. This can undermine breastfeeding as the baby consumes more than he may need because the flow is faster. Once the baby has a bottle that works there is not need to move to a faster flow. Also, the caregiver can use paced bottle feeding to avoid overfeeding and flying through the milk.
Here are some strategies to keep nursing while working:
- Establish a good supply from the beginning
- Communicate with your employer
- Communicate with your caregiver
- Pump when you are away from baby
- Use a slow flow bottle
- Nurse your baby when you are with your baby
- Nurse all weekend (or on your days off)
- Pump as soon as you get to work (this gives you a jump start)
- If it is possible: visit your baby during the day so you can nurse
- Have your baby sleep with or near you
It is important to remember that breastfeeding is not just a way to get a baby fed. Breastfeeding is a complex relationship. By nursing a mother and her baby’s bodies are communicating. Bacteria are passed back and forth to build baby’s immune system. Hormones are passed back and forth to tell a mom’s body to make milk, to give her baby melatonin. There is feedback we do not entirely understand. And breastfeeding does not have to be all or nothing. If a person needs to supplement they can keep nursing for however much works for her and the baby. Working does not have to mean weaning.
Independence Day
July 4, 2018
Independent:
Not subject to another’s authority or jurisdiction, autonomous, free
Not relying on another or others for aid or support
Not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc. thinking or acting for oneself.
On this, Independence Day, July 4th I cannot help but think of babies and their parents. There is such a cultural push to have babies become independent. There seems to be a fear of babies being too dependent on their parents. I hear the words “needy” “bad habits” “spoiled” bandied about in reference to babies’needs. But that is what they are: NEEDS.
Babies need to be held and fed and spoken to and socialized. They are not ready to be independent until at the earliest 18 years old.
Routine and structure are important but separation or rejection is not healthy. If you meet your baby’s dependency needs they will grow independent in time.
To Pump or Not To Pump
July 26, 2017
This is a question many new parents are faced with. People do not realize the amount of information thrown at new and expecting parents until they are expecting and new parents themselves.
One of the big decisions parents have to make is how they are going to feed their baby. It seems like most Americans consider breastfeeding. There are many obstacles that interfere with breastfeeding – that is a post for another day but let’s talk pumping milk.
I recall when I was pregnant with my first baby I took a breastfeeding class. I knew I wanted to breastfeed but did not have many role models so I listened intently on how to breastfeed. I remember the instructor talked about pumping and how it is best to rent a pump – I am not sure I remember much more. When Phoebe was born I struggled with how to get her latched and how often to feed her and I had a striped scab across one of my nipples and a hickey on the other from her latching onto the areola. I remember in a fit of frustration telling Rob WE NEED TO RENT A PUMP! NOW!
It took a few days for us to figure out how and where to rent a pump – this was 1995! Phoebe and I found our rhythm – she found my nipple I found how to listen to her cues. The pump arrived and I stared at it.
For three and a half weeks. We rented it for four weeks. I knew I needed to use it before returning it and having spent over $80 renting and buying parts. I put the shields on my breasts and was impressed that milk came out of my breasts.
Later that night Rob came home from work. This was summer and there had been a storm. The electricity was out. Phoebe started to root around. “You have to give her this bottle! Now! My milk is going to go bad and we do not have a refrigerator and it is 99 degrees!”
Rob grabbed the bottle and tried to feed our screaming baby. I walked out of the room. My breasts began to tingle and leak. Rob was sweating, Phoebe screamed louder and louder. Her head spinning like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I started to cry. I think Rob was crying, too.
“Give me the baby.” I latched her on and we both chilled out.
“What do I do with this?’ asked Rob.
“Pour it down the drain,” I told him.
It turns out I did not need to pump. The company I was working for went out of business so I became a full time mom.
I asked Rob if he felt he needed to feed Phoebe to bond. He laughed and told me he felt bonded with here.
And eventually I became a La Leche League Leader and then a Lactation Consultant (IBCLC).
As someone who has been in the breastfeeding business for two decades I have seen different trends. With the Affordable Care Act offering up pumps to expecting parents and with social media there is a big pumping culture. And there is so much information shared that it can all be confusing.
If your baby latches on, you feel comfortable and your baby is gaining weight there is no need to pump.
Conversely, I have seen women who were told not to pump for two weeks or for one month or whatever someone told them was a rule. Or no one told them to pump while their baby is being supplemented with formula. In some of these cases this compromises their milk supply. The bottom line is that the baby must be fed. But if your baby is being supplemented and you want your body to make milk then it is important to pump. Milk is made by removing milk form the breasts – this can be with a baby who has a good latch, by hand expressing or by using a good breast pump.
Let’s now talk pumps. Pumps are not all created equally and not everyone responds to pumps the same. I have worked with people who pump using their hands – hand expressing – here is a cool video:
There are hospital grade pumps, electric single user pumps , and hand pumps.
When should you pump?
- If your baby is separated from you
- If your baby is not gaining enough weight
- If your baby causing you so much pain you cannot tolerate nursing
- If your baby takes a bottle
- If you are donating milk
- If you are working away from your baby
There is no need to fill your freezer! Pumping is not an Olympic sport!
How many people compare their milk stash to those they see on Instagram?!
You really only need enough milk to feed your baby.
If you want to pump that is cool but if you do not want to pump and do not need to then don’t pump.
People can bond with a baby without a bottle. If you want your baby to have a bottle of breastmilk, then pump.
Each situation is unique and blanket statements do not help new parents. For help call an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) Find a Lactation Consultant or a La Leche League Leader.La Leche League International
My Brilliant Career(s)
February 12, 2017
I have had many jobs in my life, some career worthy and others just a way to make some extra cash. Some have truly fed my soul while others ate away at my soul. Some were ordinary and others quite fascinating. Here is a list of most of my jobs.
Babysitter – a common first job for preteens – I started when I was eleven years old – when I think about that family leaving me with their toddlers – that was insane but they were expecting their third baby and they had two boys under the age of three – they probably didn’t care who watched their kids – they just needed to get out! They also knew my mom was across the street. I called her when the youngest boy peed everywhere and the older boy spilled milk all over the place
Sales clerk – I loved the discounts I got at Thalheimer’s – I was a “flyer”, this meant I worked in most of the departments, great for me to one day work in men’s cologne, another in children’s clothing and then another in housewares.
Waitress – Annabelle’s was a pub like restaurant at the Cross Creek Mall – I was terribly disorganized so it was good that I was in an Army town and I was cute – the soldiers tipped well and were not too picky
Starmount Forest Country Club – this was a different clientele and there was one cranky old man who always wrote in 10% for tips no matter who served him – the standard was to just sign the bill and the club added 15% – there were a few who wrote in 20% – it was good money to work an event like a wedding or bar mitzvah – there were always extra tips
Dorm receptionist – I got to know who was dating whom, whose parents came to visit the most and who stayed out all night
Bouncer – OK, the Fifth Season was at the Four Seasons Hotel in Greensboro and I worked the door checking IDs and making sure the guests honored the dress code. Since Daddy was a soldier I knew soldiers were not allowed to drink in public in uniform – I loved telling the soldier to go back to his room and change into street clothes and not disrespect the uniform and our country!
Fragrance model – at major department stores I would demonstrate the free gift or the latest product for beauty companies – I promise I never squirted anyone who did not want to smell of cinnamon or lemon or gardenia or whatever the latest scent was but some people looked at me and ran – one woman actually jumped back three feet in fear of me dousing her in Estee Lauder
Epilady lady – this contraption had a spinning spring system that literally ripped hair out of your body. At Bloomingdales one day I turned my back away from the Epilady stand for a moment. When I turned back to show the product line to a curious customer I saw a woman wincing as she swept the device across her chin and ripped out the chin hairs! We were trained to never use it on the face but I let that woman have a go at it as I saw her whiskers from ten feet away and I figured I would want to eliminate that extra hair growth if I had it on my chin. I moved my new customer to the teeth whitening EpiSmile!
Model – I modeled jewelry for private parties for a jewelry designer – I once wore a necklace that cost more than my parents’ lifetime income!
Receptionist – this was my first NYC job! I moved to NY, well, I stayed in NJ with my close friend’s family, I arrived on a Wednesday, bought the Village Voice on Thursday and set up interviews for Friday and accepted the job offer that started on Monday and paid the highest. My office skills were limited because I had goofed off in typing class but I could talk and be pleasant and I had college debt and a total of $174 to my name, I needed that job immediately!
Office temp – again, I was a good receptionist but that did not pay as much as people who could type fast so,
Paralegal temp – I was smart despite my inability to process words quickly on a machine, paralegal temping required decent amount of intelligence and paid better than other temp jobs. And it was amazing to hear about frolicking going on between the attorneys and the paralegals and other scandals.
Location Scout – I worked in a location scouting office, mostly representing short term rentals for photo shoots and TV commercials but I liked to be out and about so I always volunteered when an odd request came up or the need to photograph a new spot for our catalogs.
Hair stylist – OK, my location scouting office shared space with a private hair salon, the stylists were top notch but they never learned to French braid. A woman from the pub around the corner popped in because she knew there was a salon in the back and wanted a French braid for a wedding she was attending. John and Terry were at a loss. I told her to sit at my desk and wove her hair into a lovely braid.
Personal assistant – a former boss married a millionaire and needed a bit of help with little things – I was happy to shop for her, to return items after a shopping spree or buy gifts for family and friends, ride around in her town car with Carlos, her driver.
Baker – I have always found peace in creating cakes and cookies so I decided to make it a career while parenting two young children, I baked cakes and pies and cookies in my kitchen and delivered them to cafes or to birthday parties or events – I still love to bake. I was often challenged to go outside of my comfort zone and bake something unusual or important like a wedding cake!
Caterer – this was an extension of my baking business – my most popular was a menu of friend chicken, potato salad and red velvet cake!
Producer – I produced stand up comedy shows and a full-length off-off Broadway play – sometimes you gotta cast yourself to get the parts you want! We did a two-week run of Crimes of the Heart at the Producers Club on West 44th Street!
Actor and Comedian – see above and I continue to dabble a bit here and there – I recently did a show called Moms Cracking up!
Writer – I write for parenting – Bundoo.com, BreastfeedingToday.com and contribute to articles and books
Lactation consultant – this has been my longest career so far. I love helping, educating and empowering families. It is not always easy but it is important and it fills my soul to be in the presence of babies and their families. I see so many emotions bundled up and flying out. I have learned so many cultural traditions and learned to see how much people are different and how much they are the same.
Life is full of interesting adventures and the career you pick when you are eighteen or thirty-five or any age does not have to define you but it sure can inform your life and enhance your worldview!
Tandem Nursing
August 10, 2016
Tandem Nursing means nursing two babies at once. This can be twins or it can be siblings born at different times i.e. an toddler and an newborn.
Many people believe that you cannot get pregnant while nursing or that if you are nursing when you are pregnant you need to wean.
You can get pregnant while nursing.
Breastfeeding can be birth control under specific conditions. There is the Lactational Amenorrhea Method (LAM).
LAM works like this:
- No return of menses since birth
- breastfeeding on demand, night, and day
- baby does not take any food or other liquids regularly
- baby’s sucking needs met primarily at the breast (no pacifier or bottles) baby is less than 6 months old.
- baby does not go longer than four hours during the day and longer than six hours during the night between nursing
With LAM there is about a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant – similar to taking birth control pills.
Many people get pregnant while nursing. Often moms are advised to wean their older baby if they become pregnant. There is no need to wean unless you are at risk for premature labor and you are advised by your health care provider to refrain from intercourse.
What can you expect while nursing while pregnant?
About halfway through pregnancy your milk changes from mature milk to colostrum. Colostrum is thicker and does not flow as easily as mature milk. Some toddlers get frustrated and wean. Others hold on for dear life!
One telltale sign of pregnancy can be sore nipples. Some moms find nursing painful or they become averse to nursing and they choose to wean their older baby.
Others will put limitations on nursing – one mom used counting as her strategy – “you can nurse for ten seconds – 10, 9, 8 . . .“ Another mom had a nursing chair where they could only nurse sitting in the chair in a quiet room.
Some advantages of tandem nursing can be:
- nursing toddler can help relieve engorgement
- older baby not feeling left out
- mom doesn’t feel she is abandoning the older child
- she still has her magic toddler wand
- sibling bonding
- stronger immune system of the toddler
Disadvantages:
- mom may feel touched out
- judgement from family, friends and health care team
When nursing twins it can be a good idea to alternate breasts for the twins. This can be every feeding or everyday – Twin A gets the left breast while Twin B gets the right breast for one feeding and then alternate the next feeding or on Monday Twin A gets left breast and Twin B gets right breast and on Tuesday Twin A gets right breast and Twin B gets left breast and so on. Many moms of twins will choose to nurse one at a time once they get older to have one on one time. In the early days it can be a time saver to nurse both at once.
How does one manage tandem nursing babies of different ages?
Weaning
June 23, 2016
I remember when all three of my children weaned.
My plan for Phoebe was to nurse for one year.
I figured I could avoid formula and bottles if I nursed her for twelve months.
At my baby shower for her I received 36 bottles! I had not registered for anything and told people I would be breastfeeding. We did not have a dishwasher. The thought of washing bottles overwhelmed me and made me want to breastfeed even more.
Laziness was a motivating factor initially in some of my parenting choices. Breastfeeding and co-sleeping were the bomb!
Though we struggled together initially, nursing became an extension of my mothering Phoebe.
As her first birthday approached I got anxious about the weaning process. How would I do it? Who would it benefit? How would I calm a tantrum or get her to sleep?
The Lactivist
February 4, 2015
Lactivist
The word was accusatory. I felt her anger over the internet.
What had I done to her? I did not say anything about formula feeding. I did make the case against the unethical marketing of formula. That is distinctly different from condemning moms who formula feed.
There is a formula campaign going around social media under the guise of making the “Mommy Wars” go away. In actuality most of the conflict of motherhood, parenthood really, is sparked by media and advertising.
The line between marketing and entertainment is becoming more and more murky. I have learned for the most part to discern what is being sold to me as opposed to what is there to entertain me.
This is the comment I made:
This is not about breastfeeding vs formula feeding, it is about the nefarious marketing of the pharmaceutical industry that undermines all families. Formula has its place. This is about using guilt to promote their product and to make us divisive – are we really? At the heart of it on the playground I can say that most moms get along. The images in the media create fear and defensiveness. I work professionally to support all mothers, I know when formula is needed and wanted. People are not always given the opportunity to make an informed choice.
Why was she angry with me? Why did she think I was attacking her?
I started thinking about it. She was directing her anger at me because I am safe. She does not know me – I am just that breastfeeding advocate. What had happened to her? Was she really experiencing grief and anger over her baby feeding experience?
I have many friends who did not breastfeed and they are not angry at me. They made informed decisions or at least dealt with what they were handed and they have made peace with it.
I thought about the times I get angry at people. I moved to New York for many reasons but one of the big ones was for an acting career. I am not a Broadway or TV or movie star. I could list all of the obstacles that prevented me from becoming famous but it doesn’t matter. I still get jealous and angry sometimes when I see actors my age who have made it. I also wrote and performed stand-up comedy. I loved watching the Golden Globes but I felt little jolts of envy watching Tina and Amy up there.
These feelings are far overshadowed by my happy life. I have a loving husband whom I love hanging out with – he really is my best friend and I am looking forward to growing old with him. We have three awesome children who are smart, healthy and beautiful.
I have moved on. (Casting directors – I can still provide a resume!)
I am also a bit envious of the moms who have had babies at home. Complications prevented that from happening with my babies and me. Still, I ache a bit about some of the birth experiences my babies and I went through. In the end they are all healthy and we made it through.
I have worked out the things in my life that got in the way of some of my goals. I have accomplished many of my goals and I am a happy woman.
So, going back to the name caller, I think she is angry and sad that she is not breastfeeding. I do not know if her birth interfered with her plans. I do not know if her family gave her a hard time about breastfeeding. I do not know if she is taking a medication that is incompatible with breastfeeding. I do not know if her body never made milk. I do not know what experiences she may have had in her past that makes it uncomfortable for her to have anyone touch her breasts.
I sure as hell bet she loves her baby immensely. I hope she can find some peace. I will be the brunt of many a new mom’s anger and frustration.
That is a role I can play.
Uniforms and Fairy Dust
January 30, 2015
Why do new parents seem so guarded or opinionated or defensive? Well, much of it is that they are protecting their new family.
Another thing I have noticed is that parents feel they have to subscribe to a specific style. In the years since I first became a new mom – over nineteen years ago, I have noticed that so much around parenting is trademarked. I believe that is all about marketing. I have written about how poor parents are the biggest target of marketing these days.
I remember when it was time to start feeding Phoebe solid food a mom at a La Leche League meeting suggested baby led weaning. This made sense to me – let her take food off the table – I would bite off a tiny piece of apple and let her chew it, I would continue to nurse her. Eventually I became a La Leche League Leader. A couple of years back at a meeting I was leading for toddlers a mom mentioned baby led weaning and I was thrilled to hear this concept being embraced until I heard about all the “rules around it. Rules? There is a book! Wow. I thought it was about being instinctive with a few guidelines about what foods to give and which foods to avoid so that they would not choke.
I also noticed how people would comment on how attached Phoebe and I were. Of course, I am her mom, we are together (the company I worked for closed while I was on maternity leave and I was a full time mom then.) Then I learned there is an organization called Attachment Parenting – which I love! But I hear moms asking, “Is it is AP to . . . “ Or “does it go against AP if I . . .”
Then there are the breast feeders and the bottle feeders and the co-sleepers and the baby never comes into my bed, and there are “Never let the baby cry” and the Cry It Outs.
I belong to way too many groups on Facebook and I hear so many new moms asking permission to go outside of the rules of whichever category they have chosen to join. I hear arguments about how you cannot do this or you should do that.
Titles: Tiger Mom, Hippie Mom, Crunchy Mom, Stay At Home Mom, Working Mom
Does one need only belong to one “club?” Does anyone only do things exactly as planned out in a book? Do breastfeeding moms never give their babies a bottle? Do most parents have their kids in their bed at least some of the time? Do the families that make their own baby food sometimes use a jar or sometimes eat convenient food? Do the touchy feely moms yell? Does the Tiger mom cuddle? Does the home-schooling mom want to send her kid away to boarding school? Does the mom with the most awesome and fulfilling career want to quit her job and stay home?
If you asked these questions to these parents you would get a resounding YES from time to time.
It seems like a new mom has to wear armor to defend herself and her choices. She has to seek permission to care for her baby. Whatever happened to instincts? Have we cultured intuition away by writing books and coining phrases and categorizing everything and everyone?
Maybe the extended family has done things differently so a new mom feels she needs to defend her choices. Perhaps she is faced with criticism and needs to wear a uniform.
Whatever it is I wish I could hug all new moms and blow some instinct like fairy dust at them and let them take it in, take in their babies. I want them to clear out the noise so they can hear. So they can hear that voice inside them that tells them: this is your baby, your child, do not strive to fit in, strive to find love, strive to find the wonder in your little person, strive to grow along with them.
In the meantime I will interject my thoughts in those groups when I have it in me to do so. I imagine fairy dust with each click of the keyboard.
mamamilkandme 